I'm losing my Mom. Not all at once, like some people, who lose their mothers in car accidents, or to heart attacks. You always hear "they were here one minute, gone the next" and I feel like the worst person in the world for saying that I'm jealous of those people. Insanely, unattractively jealous of those people. They get to remember their mothers for what they were when they left, no matter what that may be. Even if their mother's weren't perfect, they remember them as they were for the most part.
I don't even know where to begin in talking about my Mom. Growing up, she was the strongest, hardest working person I'd ever met. She was a constant perfectionist, and didn't settle for "good enough" ever, even if it was a 2nd grade project on South Carolina. She'd work incredibly long hours, go to the store after work, cook dinner, then sit down and continue working. She was my role model of how to run a loving household, and support your kids with anything they want to do.
Growing up, my sister and I didn't make it easy on her. My sister had her litany of problems, which almost cost my parents their marriage, and I was constantly getting in trouble when they were distracted with my sister. My mother, being the disciplinarian, always got a bad rap of being "the mean one", while my dad was always a softie. Looking back, I can't thank my mother enough for being hard on me, as it helped make me the man I am today.
My mom is losing her memory. It started slowly, when she was still teaching. She'd forget small things, like if she'd already done a lesson plan, or she'd forget her lunch, but it progressed. Soon, it started to affect her work, and her school asked her to retire. My mother, the woman who had been a professional piano player, educator of all levels including college, and teaching for over 30 years, got asked to retire. I was so angry when I found out, I wanted to storm the office and demand an explanation. This all happened while I was away at college, and my Dad has a bad habit of keeping things from me, to "protect me" I believe. I came home for the summer that year, fired up about my mom being asked to retire, and then I hung out around the house for a few days. During those few days, I saw what my mom had become.
Fast forward to now, and I don't have the same mom I grew up with. It makes me angry, not at her, but at life. It's not fair that I don't get to have my mom to call when I need advice. It's not fair that I don't have my mom that I can invite to go grab lunch and talk about work with. It's not fair that I have to deal with this now. I thought I had so much longer. I thought I had till I was at least in my 40's before I'd have to deal with things like this. I understand this is so selfish, and that my mom is the one who is suffering, but as she suffers, we suffer. I can't imagine what my dad must be going through. He's losing the woman he's loved since 9th grade, the woman he's been married to for 40 years. He's a caregiver now, and doing a fucking amazing job of it. I know my sister needs my Mom a lot of times. She has a young daughter, and I know she's needed parenting advice, and not had anyone to get it from. I know I need mom advice sometimes, and I have no where to get it from.
This is where the jealousy comes in. The stupid, unexplainable jealousy of someone who lost their mom suddenly. I know anyone who's lost their mom would argue this point, and I honestly see their side of it. I'm sure anyone who lost their mother would like any version of that person back, but I can't agree with it. It's so hard having a shell of the person you've known your entire life. It's so hard, seeing her get confused when we're at a restaurant. It's so hard watching her cry because she's so frustrated. The shitty part? It's only going to get worse. One day, she won't remember me. One day, she won't know her only son. Nothing makes me more scared than that day. I try to remember my mom as I knew her, and I'll never forget that woman.
