My Mom

I'm losing my Mom. Not all at once, like some people, who lose their mothers in car accidents, or to heart attacks. You always hear "they were here one minute, gone the next" and I feel like the worst person in the world for saying that I'm jealous of those people. Insanely, unattractively jealous of those people. They get to remember their mothers for what they were when they left, no matter what that may be. Even if their mother's weren't perfect, they remember them as they were for the most part.

I don't even know where to begin in talking about my Mom. Growing up, she was the strongest, hardest working person I'd ever met. She was a constant perfectionist, and didn't settle for "good enough" ever, even if it was a 2nd grade project on South Carolina. She'd work incredibly long hours, go to the store after work, cook dinner, then sit down and continue working. She was my role model of how to run a loving household, and support your kids with anything they want to do.

Growing up, my sister and I didn't make it easy on her. My sister had her litany of problems, which almost cost my parents their marriage, and I was constantly getting in trouble when they were distracted with my sister. My mother, being the disciplinarian, always got a bad rap of being "the mean one", while my dad was always a softie. Looking back, I can't thank my mother enough for being hard on me, as it helped make me the man I am today.

My mom is losing her memory. It started slowly, when she was still teaching. She'd forget small things, like if she'd already done a lesson plan, or she'd forget her lunch, but it progressed. Soon, it started to affect her work, and her school asked her to retire. My mother, the woman who had been a professional piano player, educator of all levels including college, and teaching for over 30 years, got asked to retire. I was so angry when I found out, I wanted to storm the office and demand an explanation. This all happened while I was away at college, and my Dad has a bad habit of keeping things from me, to "protect me" I believe. I came home for the summer that year, fired up about my mom being asked to retire, and then I hung out around the house for a few days. During those few days, I saw what my mom had become.

Fast forward to now, and I don't have the same mom I grew up with. It makes me angry, not at her, but at life. It's not fair that I don't get to have my mom to call when I need advice. It's not fair that I don't have my mom that I can invite to go grab lunch and talk about work with. It's not fair that I have to deal with this now. I thought I had so much longer. I thought I had till I was at least in my 40's before I'd have to deal with things like this. I understand this is so selfish, and that my mom is the one who is suffering, but as she suffers, we suffer.  I can't imagine what my dad must be going through. He's losing the woman he's loved since 9th grade, the woman he's been married to for 40 years. He's a caregiver now, and doing a fucking amazing job of it. I know my sister needs my Mom a lot of times. She has a young daughter, and I know she's needed parenting advice, and not had anyone to get it from. I know I need mom advice sometimes, and I have no where to get it from.

This is where the jealousy comes in. The stupid, unexplainable jealousy of someone who lost their mom suddenly. I know anyone who's lost their mom would argue this point, and I honestly see their side of it. I'm sure anyone who lost their mother would like any version of that person back, but I can't agree with it. It's so hard having a shell of the person you've known your entire life. It's so hard, seeing her get confused when we're at a restaurant. It's so hard watching her cry because she's so frustrated. The shitty part? It's only going to get worse. One day, she won't remember me. One day, she won't know her only son. Nothing makes me more scared than that day. I try to remember my mom as I knew her, and I'll never forget that woman.

Moving Home

So I'm moving home tomorrow, to live with my parents. I tried, and failed, to be an adult. I tried to spend all my money on bills, and groceries, and gas and everything else a full functioning adult is able to maintain. I have never felt like more of a failure for throwing in the towel, and the worst part, my relationship is taking the brunt of my decision. I have a girlfriend, we've been dating officially for around 2 months, but we have been together for around 5. She's everything I've looked for in a girl; smart, funny, attractive, seems to want whats best for me, and seems to think I'm attractive most of the time. Before I my decision to move home, we had this naive idea that somehow, despite our age, we could have this idea of a future together. We would joke about "our wedding" or "our kids", even with our short time of dating. For the first time, this didn't freak me out like past relationships. I liked these ideas, even if they were just fleeting, joking ideas. What I've come to realize now is that I have to be selfish. I'm sure i'll feel these ideas to be just as wonderful later in life, but for now, I need to focus on who I am, and what I want, not the concerns of another. I guess I do have this paralyzing fear of being alone in life, but I know i'll meet someone, whether it be at work, or in a grocery store, or through a friend. My girlfriend and I will try to do long distance, but I fear it is more out of a desire to say "we tried", versus the reckless abandonment of ending it right now. I know it will end up fading, like so many relationships in the past. She's heading off to Ohio, or Florida, or North Carolina next fall, and I'll be living my life in Northern Virginia, and neither of us are selfless enough to follow. I started this post exactly 20 days ago, and the foreshadowing is incredible.
About a week ago, I got the phone call, I got dumped. It hasn't happened since about 11th grade, and that was because I purposely pissed her off so much so she'd dump me and I wouldn't be the bad person. This is the first time in 6 years that someone has chosen not to be with me. I'll be honest, even though I saw it coming, and its what I wanted as well, it hurt when it happened. I was in shock when it happened, so I did what I always do when something shakes me, I go for a drive. I'll tell you what, its only been about a week, but she's already gone from my life. It was a short, but intense, relationship, and even I'm shocked how easily I've forgotten how big a part of my life was. I guess that's because I saw it coming, I saw her pushing me away, so I also stepped back. I'm not bitter, god I was so angry when it happened, but I'm not bitter anymore. I realized that I was more mad about the principle, the fact that she had the nerve to dump ME, the guy who looked past her unloading of information on our first date, the constant talk of her past sexual life to my dismay, her trust issues, commitment issues, mental health issues. I then realized that I didn't like any of those things I previously mentioned. I had put up with them, things that took up a lot of our relationship. Why did I put up with them? Because she's attractive? Because I'm a self saboteur? Probably both, but that's to figure out later. Of course, after the break up, my sister tells me that my lovely ex had snapped at my mother, who suffers from several illnesses that make her memory suffer. How dare this girl treat my mother like that? I am a self proclaimed momma's boy, I have her name tattoo'd on my body, and this girl i'd been dating for maybe a month had the nerve to snap at my mother? My friends then all told me they didn't like her either, which I appreciate, because i'm figuring out that I let the right one go. Maybe I was happy, maybe I wasn't, but I know I can be happier, and I'm going to find that girl that makes me feel good about myself, and doesn't put me down constantly.  Maybe I got scared because I see some of my other friends settling down with their significant others, and I have a genuine fear of never meeting someone, but I now know that I can't ever settle for happy enough. Hindsight truly is, 20/20. For now, I'm happy with getting a new job, and planning to spend all the money I make on myself and the friends who were there for me when I needed them, not a selfish girlfriend who thinks she's better than everyone because she's got her masters, and is getting her doctorate in English. Fucking waste of money. Good luck to the guy who marries her, he's in for a lifetime of berating, getting talked down to, and mood changes that rival a menopausal woman without her morning coffee. I cant wait to find my cool wife who actually likes me, but I don't plan on that anytime soon.

frustrating

You ask me what i want. Who the fuck knows what they want? there arent many constants in my life, my friends, my family and my dog are about the only things, and anymore, i seem to be alienating friends like its my fucking job. What i want has been sitting right in front of me the whole time, and everyone else knows it but her. it is the most frustrating thing in the world to put that smile on and pretend that i dont need her. even now, im sitting here, trying to convince myself that i dont, but i do. 2 years, 2 years of my life looking for something that i have. she doesnt even connect the dots, literally two days after meeting her, i ended a relationship, because i knew she meant that much to me already. 2 years i've been waiting, wasting. 2 years of giving her advice on everything, including relationships. I've never felt more alone than right now. i gave it my everything for her on saturday, pulled out all the stops, and i got kicked in the teeth for it. she asks why im mad, but she should know. maybe im totally off base, thats probably more realistic. im really just giving up on this post.

Someone

Have you ever met someone and just known? i'm too young to know, but i do. Its not now, its not tomorrow, but its going to happen. we're going to see other people. we're going to move away from each other. we're going to think its someone else. we're going to come back and know this is what we've been looking for. everything is so easy with her, so simple and so incredible. she knows me better than i do, and forces me to learn about myself like no one has before. everyone i meet, i compare to her, and no one ever, ever matches up. its so hard to live day to day knowing like i do, i yearn to make a move, to let her know. i know that i cant do that, not yet. its going to happen. i'll do whatever it takes.

Change

woops, theres the inspiration i needed.

Today while buying my sandwich and drink at the bakery in the library, i handed the lady my id card to use my flex points. she looks at it and goes "oh boy you sure have changed". she has no idea.

that picture was from when i was a freshman, god that was so long ago. looking back at all thats happened in three short years makes me feel like i've already lived a lifetime. Freshman year i came in with romanticized visions of what college was going to be, and by reading some of my older posts, i can see that i was horribly disappointed. I dont think thats its just me thats changed. i think everyone im around has changed. even this place, ODU, has changed, at least in my eyes. its such a love/hate. i love it here, dont ever want to leave, but i also feel like im living half a life. there's a hole, something missing. we try to fill it with going out, going to parties, and saying "its college", but we all know when these years are over, we're destined to find something bigger. we'll find that person that life isnt worth living without, that makes even the mundane days better than yesterday, but not better than tomorrow. i feel like im contradicting myself from my last post. let me clear it up, im not saying i want a soulmate right now, im just saying i look forward to the day when i meet her. because i'll know, without a doubt in my mind that its her. and if i doubt it, then its obviously not her. i know those are kind of ridiculous standards, but why short change ourselves? why settle for anything else than exactly what we want and exactly what we need? well time to go take a midterm, thats my soulmate for the next couple hours.

Hot minute

Woo its been a hot minute since i've updated this thing. Lots of living has been happening since this bad boy got an update. remember that tattoo i was talking about? got it. almost a year later and i still love it. i love the looks people give me when i take my shirt off. its all like "why does he have california tattoo'd on his body, when he lives in Va?" Well its my tattoo, i dont give two fucks what you think about it.

in other news, im now a junior at ODU, with kind of an idea what i may do after i graduate? weird i know...i got a pretty sweet internship starting in a couple weeks, and they said that if they like me, and i like them, they'll hire me after i graduate. which is TERRIFYING. i believe we all take solace in having some level of unknown, and having this most basic "plan" is sending me over the edge. the thought that in a year, i could have a *gasp* career, is astonishing. its also terrifying because what if i hate my career? i'll have wasted a ton of money and time and be back at square one. im scared because this internship isnt exactly what i want to do, so i tell my self its temporary, even if i get hired after graduation. its also in virginia beach, and i was really looking forward to going home to live with my parents and saving some money. but oh well, livin life on the edge.

relationship status wise, im single, and not giving two shits about it. been in college almost three years and done it all. had the girlfriend a couple of times, done the "chase the girl" thing, and made a few mistakes. sure its all fun, but who are we if we have to have someone to be ourselves? sounds like we're half a person if we alone. i'm becoming more and more okay with the fact that college may not be where i meet my "soulmate". college is a breeding ground for the shallow and confused, and i'll be the first to admit that i am not ready to be done finding who i am. i have got a lot of life to live, and there's not schedule i need to follow.

well i seem to be having a bit of writer's block after that last paragraph. probably because this is hell week for midterms, and im a bit burnt out, but oh well. did have fun reconnecting with Karen today though, i missed her caring spirit in my life, and it was exactly what i needed.

hopefully i'll remember to update this thing, but who knows, i live a pretty hectic life.

I'm an asshole

havent updated this thing in almost a year? not sure if anyone's even reading this anymore, but oh well, i need to get it off my chest.

its not that i dont love you. its never been a question of whether i loved you or not. i love you more than i thought i could ever love someone. i hate to be that guy, but the only excuse i have for ending it is i am way too young to be this serious. i always thought i wanted a serious relationship, but who really knows what they want? i dont want to look back on my college years and say "oh i missed that party cause i was skyping my girlfriend". i have four years to make mistakes, get fucked up and do stupid shit, and i dont want anyone to have to suffer because of it. the fact that i cant be a good boyfriend anymore, and it wasnt fair to you is what made me call you and give you the news. i know we havent talked since, but i hope that someday we can be friends, and who knows what will happen in the future. God im an asshole. i never thought i'd be this guy. i've never broken up with anyone before, and i hate your tears.