frustrating

You ask me what i want. Who the fuck knows what they want? there arent many constants in my life, my friends, my family and my dog are about the only things, and anymore, i seem to be alienating friends like its my fucking job. What i want has been sitting right in front of me the whole time, and everyone else knows it but her. it is the most frustrating thing in the world to put that smile on and pretend that i dont need her. even now, im sitting here, trying to convince myself that i dont, but i do. 2 years, 2 years of my life looking for something that i have. she doesnt even connect the dots, literally two days after meeting her, i ended a relationship, because i knew she meant that much to me already. 2 years i've been waiting, wasting. 2 years of giving her advice on everything, including relationships. I've never felt more alone than right now. i gave it my everything for her on saturday, pulled out all the stops, and i got kicked in the teeth for it. she asks why im mad, but she should know. maybe im totally off base, thats probably more realistic. im really just giving up on this post.