Moving Home

So I'm moving home tomorrow, to live with my parents. I tried, and failed, to be an adult. I tried to spend all my money on bills, and groceries, and gas and everything else a full functioning adult is able to maintain. I have never felt like more of a failure for throwing in the towel, and the worst part, my relationship is taking the brunt of my decision. I have a girlfriend, we've been dating officially for around 2 months, but we have been together for around 5. She's everything I've looked for in a girl; smart, funny, attractive, seems to want whats best for me, and seems to think I'm attractive most of the time. Before I my decision to move home, we had this naive idea that somehow, despite our age, we could have this idea of a future together. We would joke about "our wedding" or "our kids", even with our short time of dating. For the first time, this didn't freak me out like past relationships. I liked these ideas, even if they were just fleeting, joking ideas. What I've come to realize now is that I have to be selfish. I'm sure i'll feel these ideas to be just as wonderful later in life, but for now, I need to focus on who I am, and what I want, not the concerns of another. I guess I do have this paralyzing fear of being alone in life, but I know i'll meet someone, whether it be at work, or in a grocery store, or through a friend. My girlfriend and I will try to do long distance, but I fear it is more out of a desire to say "we tried", versus the reckless abandonment of ending it right now. I know it will end up fading, like so many relationships in the past. She's heading off to Ohio, or Florida, or North Carolina next fall, and I'll be living my life in Northern Virginia, and neither of us are selfless enough to follow. I started this post exactly 20 days ago, and the foreshadowing is incredible.
About a week ago, I got the phone call, I got dumped. It hasn't happened since about 11th grade, and that was because I purposely pissed her off so much so she'd dump me and I wouldn't be the bad person. This is the first time in 6 years that someone has chosen not to be with me. I'll be honest, even though I saw it coming, and its what I wanted as well, it hurt when it happened. I was in shock when it happened, so I did what I always do when something shakes me, I go for a drive. I'll tell you what, its only been about a week, but she's already gone from my life. It was a short, but intense, relationship, and even I'm shocked how easily I've forgotten how big a part of my life was. I guess that's because I saw it coming, I saw her pushing me away, so I also stepped back. I'm not bitter, god I was so angry when it happened, but I'm not bitter anymore. I realized that I was more mad about the principle, the fact that she had the nerve to dump ME, the guy who looked past her unloading of information on our first date, the constant talk of her past sexual life to my dismay, her trust issues, commitment issues, mental health issues. I then realized that I didn't like any of those things I previously mentioned. I had put up with them, things that took up a lot of our relationship. Why did I put up with them? Because she's attractive? Because I'm a self saboteur? Probably both, but that's to figure out later. Of course, after the break up, my sister tells me that my lovely ex had snapped at my mother, who suffers from several illnesses that make her memory suffer. How dare this girl treat my mother like that? I am a self proclaimed momma's boy, I have her name tattoo'd on my body, and this girl i'd been dating for maybe a month had the nerve to snap at my mother? My friends then all told me they didn't like her either, which I appreciate, because i'm figuring out that I let the right one go. Maybe I was happy, maybe I wasn't, but I know I can be happier, and I'm going to find that girl that makes me feel good about myself, and doesn't put me down constantly.  Maybe I got scared because I see some of my other friends settling down with their significant others, and I have a genuine fear of never meeting someone, but I now know that I can't ever settle for happy enough. Hindsight truly is, 20/20. For now, I'm happy with getting a new job, and planning to spend all the money I make on myself and the friends who were there for me when I needed them, not a selfish girlfriend who thinks she's better than everyone because she's got her masters, and is getting her doctorate in English. Fucking waste of money. Good luck to the guy who marries her, he's in for a lifetime of berating, getting talked down to, and mood changes that rival a menopausal woman without her morning coffee. I cant wait to find my cool wife who actually likes me, but I don't plan on that anytime soon.