frustrating

You ask me what i want. Who the fuck knows what they want? there arent many constants in my life, my friends, my family and my dog are about the only things, and anymore, i seem to be alienating friends like its my fucking job. What i want has been sitting right in front of me the whole time, and everyone else knows it but her. it is the most frustrating thing in the world to put that smile on and pretend that i dont need her. even now, im sitting here, trying to convince myself that i dont, but i do. 2 years, 2 years of my life looking for something that i have. she doesnt even connect the dots, literally two days after meeting her, i ended a relationship, because i knew she meant that much to me already. 2 years i've been waiting, wasting. 2 years of giving her advice on everything, including relationships. I've never felt more alone than right now. i gave it my everything for her on saturday, pulled out all the stops, and i got kicked in the teeth for it. she asks why im mad, but she should know. maybe im totally off base, thats probably more realistic. im really just giving up on this post.

Someone

Have you ever met someone and just known? i'm too young to know, but i do. Its not now, its not tomorrow, but its going to happen. we're going to see other people. we're going to move away from each other. we're going to think its someone else. we're going to come back and know this is what we've been looking for. everything is so easy with her, so simple and so incredible. she knows me better than i do, and forces me to learn about myself like no one has before. everyone i meet, i compare to her, and no one ever, ever matches up. its so hard to live day to day knowing like i do, i yearn to make a move, to let her know. i know that i cant do that, not yet. its going to happen. i'll do whatever it takes.

Change

woops, theres the inspiration i needed.

Today while buying my sandwich and drink at the bakery in the library, i handed the lady my id card to use my flex points. she looks at it and goes "oh boy you sure have changed". she has no idea.

that picture was from when i was a freshman, god that was so long ago. looking back at all thats happened in three short years makes me feel like i've already lived a lifetime. Freshman year i came in with romanticized visions of what college was going to be, and by reading some of my older posts, i can see that i was horribly disappointed. I dont think thats its just me thats changed. i think everyone im around has changed. even this place, ODU, has changed, at least in my eyes. its such a love/hate. i love it here, dont ever want to leave, but i also feel like im living half a life. there's a hole, something missing. we try to fill it with going out, going to parties, and saying "its college", but we all know when these years are over, we're destined to find something bigger. we'll find that person that life isnt worth living without, that makes even the mundane days better than yesterday, but not better than tomorrow. i feel like im contradicting myself from my last post. let me clear it up, im not saying i want a soulmate right now, im just saying i look forward to the day when i meet her. because i'll know, without a doubt in my mind that its her. and if i doubt it, then its obviously not her. i know those are kind of ridiculous standards, but why short change ourselves? why settle for anything else than exactly what we want and exactly what we need? well time to go take a midterm, thats my soulmate for the next couple hours.

Hot minute

Woo its been a hot minute since i've updated this thing. Lots of living has been happening since this bad boy got an update. remember that tattoo i was talking about? got it. almost a year later and i still love it. i love the looks people give me when i take my shirt off. its all like "why does he have california tattoo'd on his body, when he lives in Va?" Well its my tattoo, i dont give two fucks what you think about it.

in other news, im now a junior at ODU, with kind of an idea what i may do after i graduate? weird i know...i got a pretty sweet internship starting in a couple weeks, and they said that if they like me, and i like them, they'll hire me after i graduate. which is TERRIFYING. i believe we all take solace in having some level of unknown, and having this most basic "plan" is sending me over the edge. the thought that in a year, i could have a *gasp* career, is astonishing. its also terrifying because what if i hate my career? i'll have wasted a ton of money and time and be back at square one. im scared because this internship isnt exactly what i want to do, so i tell my self its temporary, even if i get hired after graduation. its also in virginia beach, and i was really looking forward to going home to live with my parents and saving some money. but oh well, livin life on the edge.

relationship status wise, im single, and not giving two shits about it. been in college almost three years and done it all. had the girlfriend a couple of times, done the "chase the girl" thing, and made a few mistakes. sure its all fun, but who are we if we have to have someone to be ourselves? sounds like we're half a person if we alone. i'm becoming more and more okay with the fact that college may not be where i meet my "soulmate". college is a breeding ground for the shallow and confused, and i'll be the first to admit that i am not ready to be done finding who i am. i have got a lot of life to live, and there's not schedule i need to follow.

well i seem to be having a bit of writer's block after that last paragraph. probably because this is hell week for midterms, and im a bit burnt out, but oh well. did have fun reconnecting with Karen today though, i missed her caring spirit in my life, and it was exactly what i needed.

hopefully i'll remember to update this thing, but who knows, i live a pretty hectic life.