Someone

Have you ever met someone and just known? i'm too young to know, but i do. Its not now, its not tomorrow, but its going to happen. we're going to see other people. we're going to move away from each other. we're going to think its someone else. we're going to come back and know this is what we've been looking for. everything is so easy with her, so simple and so incredible. she knows me better than i do, and forces me to learn about myself like no one has before. everyone i meet, i compare to her, and no one ever, ever matches up. its so hard to live day to day knowing like i do, i yearn to make a move, to let her know. i know that i cant do that, not yet. its going to happen. i'll do whatever it takes.

Change

woops, theres the inspiration i needed.

Today while buying my sandwich and drink at the bakery in the library, i handed the lady my id card to use my flex points. she looks at it and goes "oh boy you sure have changed". she has no idea.

that picture was from when i was a freshman, god that was so long ago. looking back at all thats happened in three short years makes me feel like i've already lived a lifetime. Freshman year i came in with romanticized visions of what college was going to be, and by reading some of my older posts, i can see that i was horribly disappointed. I dont think thats its just me thats changed. i think everyone im around has changed. even this place, ODU, has changed, at least in my eyes. its such a love/hate. i love it here, dont ever want to leave, but i also feel like im living half a life. there's a hole, something missing. we try to fill it with going out, going to parties, and saying "its college", but we all know when these years are over, we're destined to find something bigger. we'll find that person that life isnt worth living without, that makes even the mundane days better than yesterday, but not better than tomorrow. i feel like im contradicting myself from my last post. let me clear it up, im not saying i want a soulmate right now, im just saying i look forward to the day when i meet her. because i'll know, without a doubt in my mind that its her. and if i doubt it, then its obviously not her. i know those are kind of ridiculous standards, but why short change ourselves? why settle for anything else than exactly what we want and exactly what we need? well time to go take a midterm, thats my soulmate for the next couple hours.

Hot minute

Woo its been a hot minute since i've updated this thing. Lots of living has been happening since this bad boy got an update. remember that tattoo i was talking about? got it. almost a year later and i still love it. i love the looks people give me when i take my shirt off. its all like "why does he have california tattoo'd on his body, when he lives in Va?" Well its my tattoo, i dont give two fucks what you think about it.

in other news, im now a junior at ODU, with kind of an idea what i may do after i graduate? weird i know...i got a pretty sweet internship starting in a couple weeks, and they said that if they like me, and i like them, they'll hire me after i graduate. which is TERRIFYING. i believe we all take solace in having some level of unknown, and having this most basic "plan" is sending me over the edge. the thought that in a year, i could have a *gasp* career, is astonishing. its also terrifying because what if i hate my career? i'll have wasted a ton of money and time and be back at square one. im scared because this internship isnt exactly what i want to do, so i tell my self its temporary, even if i get hired after graduation. its also in virginia beach, and i was really looking forward to going home to live with my parents and saving some money. but oh well, livin life on the edge.

relationship status wise, im single, and not giving two shits about it. been in college almost three years and done it all. had the girlfriend a couple of times, done the "chase the girl" thing, and made a few mistakes. sure its all fun, but who are we if we have to have someone to be ourselves? sounds like we're half a person if we alone. i'm becoming more and more okay with the fact that college may not be where i meet my "soulmate". college is a breeding ground for the shallow and confused, and i'll be the first to admit that i am not ready to be done finding who i am. i have got a lot of life to live, and there's not schedule i need to follow.

well i seem to be having a bit of writer's block after that last paragraph. probably because this is hell week for midterms, and im a bit burnt out, but oh well. did have fun reconnecting with Karen today though, i missed her caring spirit in my life, and it was exactly what i needed.

hopefully i'll remember to update this thing, but who knows, i live a pretty hectic life.

I'm an asshole

havent updated this thing in almost a year? not sure if anyone's even reading this anymore, but oh well, i need to get it off my chest.

its not that i dont love you. its never been a question of whether i loved you or not. i love you more than i thought i could ever love someone. i hate to be that guy, but the only excuse i have for ending it is i am way too young to be this serious. i always thought i wanted a serious relationship, but who really knows what they want? i dont want to look back on my college years and say "oh i missed that party cause i was skyping my girlfriend". i have four years to make mistakes, get fucked up and do stupid shit, and i dont want anyone to have to suffer because of it. the fact that i cant be a good boyfriend anymore, and it wasnt fair to you is what made me call you and give you the news. i know we havent talked since, but i hope that someday we can be friends, and who knows what will happen in the future. God im an asshole. i never thought i'd be this guy. i've never broken up with anyone before, and i hate your tears.

Fall

summer is over. goodbye shorts. goodbye flip flops. goodbye tan. hello flannel, hello need for constant warmth. hello jeans. i like fall, alot of people say they like fall. "the colors, the football, the leaves" bullshit. people like fall because they get sick of summer. because they're tired of the dissapointment of summer, and fall is the next best thing. i hate to hate on summer, but i tend to do it alot. i love summer. i really do. i look forward to it about five days into fall. maybe its because summer is just another season nowdays that im starting to see through its facade. its always had a one up on every season. what season can compete with no school, swimming all day, and flipflops? everyone loves flip flops? throw christmas in july and the other seasons are like a celestial prison. im good with fall maybe because everything is starting to work out, or maybe im just a moody son of a bitch. im gonna put my money on the second.

Pictures

A second post about pictures? is he running out've things to talk about? answer:yes. for now at least. im kind of in a transition for a few days. a proverbial crossroad if you may. i had a thought about pictures as i was going through mine. the sad thing about taking pictures, is that most of the time, you're never in them. i know, "self timer", but its different. its different than standing there, posed, versus stealing a moment. photography for me is all about stealing moments. sinister, i know, but if i want a moment, its mine, as long as i have my camera. it can never fade from memory, or become unpopular to talk about, or be glazed over with the excuse of "too much to drink". that moment is mine, save if i lose my memory card. that picture is there, and obviously, so was i, if i took it. thats the only proof that you were there, is that its on your memory card, or your roll of film. side note: i would like to get into film photography, i like the idea of not knowing your mistakes until you develop the film. digital seems so cold and precise, what is the world without a few mistakes? i've learned they make the best pictures. back on track, if someone were to, say, take your camera and take pictures with it, they could, in theory, lie about being there. so really, unless you sneak a picture of yourself in the album, who knows who is taking the pictures. talk about mistaken identity.

Photographs.

I love to take pictures. if someone asked me what my passion is, i would say photography. I took up photography when i was in the 9th grade, on a whim, when i needed an elective to take sophomore year. i was going to take journalism, but i wanted to get out of class one day, so i walked down to my guidance counselor and changed to photo-journalism. taking pictures after that began as something to do that was different. i have a rebellious subconscious. on the surface, i like to go with the flow, but underneath, i have an innate need to stand out, do something that most people dont do. no other guy at school took pictures, so i'd be "that" guy. alot of times, people want to be "that" guy, but only for the right reasons. they want to be "that" person with the nice car, or "that" person who always gets good grades. it'd suck to have a bad "that" though, like "that" guy who peed his pants junior year, but i digress. i've always tried to figure out why i chose photography to be different, instead of, well, anything else. i like photography because it captures that one single moment, forever, and as corny as it sounds, nothing can diminish that one moment, that one memory, which is now set forever. a picture is one of the art forms that can lie. a person can be smiling and happy in a picture, but be sad and lonely on the inside. camera's capture the superficial, and alot of times, thats what people want to see. if only a camera could capture what the moment felt like, what was in the air at that split second someone closed the shutter, see inside that person to see if they were lying to themselves, like a lot of us do. i hate to think of how photography would change if the human condition was imprinted on a piece of kodak 8x11 glossy printer paper.